Rugby Friendships
Here's my basic problem: I'm too busy playing rugby with my teammates to get to know them better as friends. I know this may sound silly, especially since I see teammates at least 4-5 of the 7 days a week. But it occurred to me that while I know them well in the context of rugby, I don't really know their non-rugby personalities that well. I can tell from a mile away who is who just from their run or how they do the dynamic warm up, but I have no idea what they like to do outside of rugby, what they value in life, or even if they are happy from day to day.
We do get to "check-in" with each other every once in a while if we get to practice a few minutes early, if we grab dinner or a drink after practice, or in the long car ride to an away game. This helps you get to know your teammates, but doesn't necessarily translate into friendship.
Of course, there are some that I know better than others off the field, but it's tough to find time to get to know the rest of the team better because we spend so much time doing rugby. The exception to this is that you become much closer to the people who live near you - you'll often share rides, work-out together, or just see what they're doing for dinner if they live near you. Location definitely makes a difference in friendships!
I don't spend that much time going out with the rest of the team in my free time, so I haven't really cultivated a "hang-out group" that you can call on a Friday or Saturday night to see what they're doing. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel comfortable calling any number of my teammates, because that's part of the beauty of rugby friendships - you can call up anyone at anytime and see if they want to hang out. I guess I'm partly assuming that friendship has to do with being involved in someone's life and understanding the way they work. I think that because we're all busy with rugby and keeping the rest of our lives together to maintain regular contact with each other (and we also know that we'll see each other at practice).
BUT regardless of whether you know your teammate's favorite color or the fact that that they hate indian food, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that the people that you play rugby with are always going to occupy a place in your heart, regardless of how close you were. You can always call up your current or former teammates just to see how they're doing. You can call them up 10 years later and it's not awkward at all. It's just like the last time you saw them at that tournament or wherever.
Rugby is such a different experience from other sports. I think something about it "pre-qualifies" people - you know that if you meet a woman who plays rugby, most chances are they'll be easy-going, fun to talk to, and pretty down-to-earth. You and your teammates face similar struggles and already share a lot in common - we all play this crazy sport called RUGBY. The fact that we all like the sport, the camaraderie, the personal achievement, and the fulfilment we get from being on a team is enough for a friendship with even the most unlikely people. The people you meet along the way is part of what makes this sport great.
I'm glad we had this chat. I started the post by saying that I had a problem because I didn't know my teammates as good friends would. But now I get it - Teammates are just a different category of friends - you don't have to know everything about them for them to be part of your life and for you to be part of theirs. Wow, blogging IS therapeutic!
We do get to "check-in" with each other every once in a while if we get to practice a few minutes early, if we grab dinner or a drink after practice, or in the long car ride to an away game. This helps you get to know your teammates, but doesn't necessarily translate into friendship.
Of course, there are some that I know better than others off the field, but it's tough to find time to get to know the rest of the team better because we spend so much time doing rugby. The exception to this is that you become much closer to the people who live near you - you'll often share rides, work-out together, or just see what they're doing for dinner if they live near you. Location definitely makes a difference in friendships!
I don't spend that much time going out with the rest of the team in my free time, so I haven't really cultivated a "hang-out group" that you can call on a Friday or Saturday night to see what they're doing. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel comfortable calling any number of my teammates, because that's part of the beauty of rugby friendships - you can call up anyone at anytime and see if they want to hang out. I guess I'm partly assuming that friendship has to do with being involved in someone's life and understanding the way they work. I think that because we're all busy with rugby and keeping the rest of our lives together to maintain regular contact with each other (and we also know that we'll see each other at practice).
BUT regardless of whether you know your teammate's favorite color or the fact that that they hate indian food, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that the people that you play rugby with are always going to occupy a place in your heart, regardless of how close you were. You can always call up your current or former teammates just to see how they're doing. You can call them up 10 years later and it's not awkward at all. It's just like the last time you saw them at that tournament or wherever.
Rugby is such a different experience from other sports. I think something about it "pre-qualifies" people - you know that if you meet a woman who plays rugby, most chances are they'll be easy-going, fun to talk to, and pretty down-to-earth. You and your teammates face similar struggles and already share a lot in common - we all play this crazy sport called RUGBY. The fact that we all like the sport, the camaraderie, the personal achievement, and the fulfilment we get from being on a team is enough for a friendship with even the most unlikely people. The people you meet along the way is part of what makes this sport great.
I'm glad we had this chat. I started the post by saying that I had a problem because I didn't know my teammates as good friends would. But now I get it - Teammates are just a different category of friends - you don't have to know everything about them for them to be part of your life and for you to be part of theirs. Wow, blogging IS therapeutic!
posted by Lee Knight at 10:04 AM
4 Comments:
IT IS A GOOD THING TO HAVE CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS WITH TEAMMATES. HOWEVER THE BOYS MANAGE TO PLAY RUGBY QUITE EFFECTIVELY WITH MUCH MORE SUPERFICIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
THE GUYS MIGHT HAVE A PRECISE KNOWLEDGE OF HOW A TEAMMATE PLAYS BUT OTHERWISE ITS "JOE" OR "JOHN" ON THE FLANK WITH WHOM HEY MIGHT ONLY HAVE AN OCCASIONAL BEER. IT IS A BONUS FOR US THAT WE CAN DEVELOPE A CLOSE NETWORK OF FRIENDS BUT IT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT. IF IT CREATES PROBLEMS OR PUTS UNDUE EMOTIONAL PRESSURE ON A WOMAN THEN IT DESTROYS THE TRUE MEANING OF FRIENDSHIP. AS LONG AS THE RUGBY ESSENTIALS ARE THERE AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE CORDIAL THEN TEAMMATES SHOULD HAVE RESPECT FOR A WOMANS CHOICE IN THE DEPTHS OF HER RELATIONSHIPS AND HER NEED FOR PRIVACY.
THIS IS TRUE IN THE WORKING WORLD TOO. A WOMAN DOES NOT NEED TO LET HER FEMALE CO-WORKERS KNOW THE DETAILS OF HER LIFE NOR FEEL THAT SHE IS EXPECTED TO BE EMOTIONALLY "CONNECTED" TO HER CO-WORKERS. IT IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL.
Not sure about the all-caps poster above, but I like your post Lee. And I fully agree with you. :)
I don't know why (the other) anonymous is bringing up men v. women here or comparing anything to high school. I've been on sports teams and I've been disappointed when I haven't met anyone I became friends with rather than just teammates. Does it matter if I'm a man or a woman? No one's saying everyone or even anyone must or should give up privacy; just that it's nice, especially in a non-professional club sport, to develop some close friendships along with the general respect that goes with being teammates. Same for the office. My work experience is more edifying when I genuinely like the people I work with.
I agree 100% with you chica! It is just the way of a sports/rugby life style I guess. Also, the fact that you do spend so much time with other ruggers during the season that you mostly just assume you know them well enough that you dont want to bother with getting to know the real person. An example is when you see that one person at every practice ( in the same gross out warm-ups) and you invite them out for a drink and they come out decked up like a barbie doll ( not saying anything is wrong with that but it can be shocking).
It is the love of the game that brings all these different types of people together....and the great beer gods that makes us all friends! :-)
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